An Open Letter to the Citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom

Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom,

I don’t know if you can get CNN where you are (potentially as a murky reflection in a magic cauldron), but hear me now: revolution is on the rise in the world. From Egypt to Libya, oppressed and forgotten peoples are casting off apathetic and out of touch dictators. And yet the worst of these is still firmly in command, bejeweled and robed in glimmering petticoats.

Not quite, but you’re getting warmer…

I am of course talking about your own Princess Peach, master cake baker and supposed ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Now you’re hot, hot, hot!

I won’t question how Peach has sat on the throne through this many franchise sequels. A leggy blond in a barely-there crown amongst a nation of squat little men? It doesn’t take a genius to see the appeal. Plus she can float mysteriously for up to two seconds. David Blaine could take the US presidency on that platform alone.

Allow me to respond to my opponent’s remarks by… FUCKING FLYING!

But in spite of her obvious strengths, Peach’s track record as a leader is shocking. She bakes cakes, she issues midday invitations to plumbers, she plaintively screams “Oh Mario”. This may be an appropriate plot line for top-shelf porn, but it’s hardly a compelling system of government. Even all this may be forgiven it just happened the very first time she was kidnapped by a scaly foe. But let’s not forget that in Super Mario 64 her first act after being returned to the castle was not to launch future preventative measures, but was instead to finish baking that goddamn cake.

How about taking down the magic paintings full of monsters instead?

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand your system of government. Maybe “Princess” is a figurehead roll, existing merely to remind you of your rich history of chicks in castles. But even on that score Peach seems less than ideal. Sentient dragon assaults are up 10,000%. Maybe your Mushroom Kingdom coins shouldn’t be spent on pink dresses and ostentatious palaces that are rebuilt after each attack. Maybe you should build some walls, bomb-omb cannons, and ICBM missiles. Ask that one Toad with the glasses. He’ll back me up on this.

Countrymen, we are woefully under prepared.

I know the transition to a Princess-less society won’t be an easy one. Simply removing Peach might still result in an angry, bewildered Bowser stomping about the castle in confusion. His motives are unclear (perhaps he’s really into baked goods) but it’s unlikely that he’ll stop until he gets a deep dish slice of royal pie.

Know what I mean?

These are issues best solved with diplomacy and tact, with a gradual and formal transition process over many years. There are those that may argue that simply moving the Princess out into the open, far away from hapless Toad citizens is the first step. That is hardly a civilized proposition. But maybe Peach’s next vacation just so happens to be tied to an island rock in the middle of the ocean, possibly in a skimpy bikini. It is beach weather after all.

I hear the Kraken’s bowels are just lovely this time of year.

However it happens, dear Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom, a change is on the wind. Now is the time to end foreign policy rooted in frosting delicious pastries. Now is the time to end dyslexic bomb-omb suicide attacks.

“Bomb”? Dude we went over this.

The next time your champion is told “your Princess is in another castle”, just cut your losses and form a representative democracy.

I’m just sayin’.