Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom,
I don’t know if you can get CNN where you are (potentially as a murky reflection in a magic cauldron), but hear me now: revolution is on the rise in the world. From Egypt to Libya, oppressed and forgotten peoples are casting off apathetic and out of touch dictators. And yet the worst of these is still firmly in command, bejeweled and robed in glimmering petticoats.
Not quite, but you’re getting warmer…
I am of course talking about your own Princess Peach, master cake baker and supposed ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Now you’re hot, hot, hot!
I won’t question how Peach has sat on the throne through this many franchise sequels. A leggy blond in a barely-there crown amongst a nation of squat little men? It doesn’t take a genius to see the appeal. Plus she can float mysteriously for up to two seconds. David Blaine could take the US presidency on that platform alone.
Allow me to respond to my opponent’s remarks by… FUCKING FLYING!
But in spite of her obvious strengths, Peach’s track record as a leader is shocking. She bakes cakes, she issues midday invitations to plumbers, she plaintively screams “Oh Mario”. This may be an appropriate plot line for top-shelf porn, but it’s hardly a compelling system of government. Even all this may be forgiven it just happened the very first time she was kidnapped by a scaly foe. But let’s not forget that in Super Mario 64 her first act after being returned to the castle was not to launch future preventative measures, but was instead to finish baking that goddamn cake.
How about taking down the magic paintings full of monsters instead?
Now I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand your system of government. Maybe “Princess” is a figurehead roll, existing merely to remind you of your rich history of chicks in castles. But even on that score Peach seems less than ideal. Sentient dragon assaults are up 10,000%. Maybe your Mushroom Kingdom coins shouldn’t be spent on pink dresses and ostentatious palaces that are rebuilt after each attack. Maybe you should build some walls, bomb-omb cannons, and ICBM missiles. Ask that one Toad with the glasses. He’ll back me up on this.
Countrymen, we are woefully under prepared.
I know the transition to a Princess-less society won’t be an easy one. Simply removing Peach might still result in an angry, bewildered Bowser stomping about the castle in confusion. His motives are unclear (perhaps he’s really into baked goods) but it’s unlikely that he’ll stop until he gets a deep dish slice of royal pie.
Know what I mean?
These are issues best solved with diplomacy and tact, with a gradual and formal transition process over many years. There are those that may argue that simply moving the Princess out into the open, far away from hapless Toad citizens is the first step. That is hardly a civilized proposition. But maybe Peach’s next vacation just so happens to be tied to an island rock in the middle of the ocean, possibly in a skimpy bikini. It is beach weather after all.
I hear the Kraken’s bowels are just lovely this time of year.
However it happens, dear Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom, a change is on the wind. Now is the time to end foreign policy rooted in frosting delicious pastries. Now is the time to end dyslexic bomb-omb suicide attacks.
“Bomb”? Dude we went over this.
The next time your champion is told “your Princess is in another castle”, just cut your losses and form a representative democracy.
I’m just sayin’.
I always just assumed that being the Princess there was a King and/or Queen somewhere (At an undisclosed location) and maybe the short squat men like their government run like a porn… (Someone getting screwed and its not them) Sure there are major problems with cannon control but how you do you outlaw bullets that are alive? Oh sure you can take away their cannons but is that not just taking away their homes? As for everything else the mushroom kingdom enjoys a government that stays out of their lives. So we really want to see the Princess Peach health care bill? Sure it sounds like a good Idea but the shrooms on the right would have a meltdown and Rushroom would be foaming at the mouth.
Obviously the proponent to the current administration is weak and not up to the task of ending terrorism in the Mushroom Kingdom. WTF you don’t like our Lady’s pie? Just GTFO then you can go live with your koopa and goomba brothers.
General Luigi and his brother Mario have been keeping the goomba and koopa factions at bay for years. Sure, they claim to be wanting to use star-power as an energy source but if Bowzer wielded star-power it would make him infinitely deadly and able to bypass all toadstool defensive capability. There is absolutely no doubt that Bowzer wants to use star-power for insta-gib and invulnerability.
Without Princess we have no pie, cake, or cookies and without renewing our food supply the entire Mushroom Kingdom population would starve in less than a week.
I know we’re facing some hard times. We are struggling to meet our wildflower and mushroom debt. But we will not raise taxes. You all know that what’s good for Princess is good for Toad. Without her who will kiss the frogs to make them human? Besides we all know that wildflowers won’t even grow if there isn’t a Princess to give them too.
Please, if there are any questions former Mushroom Kingdom Hero and Castle Representative Mario will be giving a speech on supply side economics this Sunday just outside the castle walls.